In the news, ostensibly:
PYONGYANG — Tanks, long guns, missile trucks and jackbooted phalanxes were on parade today in the North Korean capital's Kim Il Sung Square as the totalitarian regime savvily flourished an unprecedented, upbeat diplomatic entreaty to the world. Taking a page from the inviolable texts of Western medical experts — who contend that brain-damaged Florida woman Terri Schiavo, once deprived indefinitely of forcibly admitted food and water will likely, before dying, experience an incipient sensation of pleasure — state-run media services proudly announced the kickoff of campaign "North Korea — Land of Euphoria!"Speaking from behind a weakly amplified podium microphone, Democratic People's Republic Dear Leader Kim Jong Il, who was reported to have just finished a symbolic fourteen-minute fast, inaugurated the gala with a few remarks and answers to rehearsed questions from state-employed reporters.
"Starvation is the purest Tao," smiled Kim, who between standing ovations snuck crackers from his pocket. "In this prosperous land we have discovered that needs of flesh are anchorage to the Democratic North Korean worker's path to enlightenment and, in the immortal words of Shakes Appear, a 'mortal coil' to be 'shuffled off.'"
To Kim's left, a full wind ensemble suddenly began playing and then at the seated conductor's frenzied urging quickly stopped.
After a brief pause and a subtle head-gesture to plainclothes police seated immediately in front of him, Kim continued.
"It is said that several million of our dutiful people have starved over the last decade. While those rancid, fiery accusations from our jealous enemies are unsubstantiated, I declare that all those who may have not had enough to eat or drink for a period of three to fifteen to forty-five days did so gratefully, willingly and in full expectation of a scientifically proven 'characteristic sense of euphoria.' For those who say 'How, Kim Jong Il, do you know they would have wanted this?' I say, 'go ahead and ask them if they don't!'"
A new conductor took the band into a lively rendition of "Patriotic Song," North Korea's national anthem, while Kim turned to a pair of attendants approaching him with cookies and a napkin.
An enormous propaganda billboard, hanging above and behind Kim's place on the stage, read "HAPPY HUNGRY WORKER DEFETES [sic] FAT AND SAD YANKKEE [sic] IMPERIALISTS!" and depicted three gaunt, rag-clothed North Korean children smiling and pointing at a muscled, tanned, cross KPA soldier in full regalia throwing star confetti and smashing in a single swing the United States Capitol Building and Epcot Center with a can of polish sausage while Mao Tse Tung, Harry Truman, Archie Andrews and Doraemon looked on with admiration, jealousy and fear; and what appeared to be in the billboard's lower right-hand corner Muppet "Bert" and Osama bin Laden flying a two-seater Y-Wing Fighter over a burning Eiffel Tower.
Wiping his mouth of crumbs, Kim moved back to the podium. "Henceforth, this great nation's reeducation and work-invitation camps will be known as Happy Factories, and we will recite pledges of admiration for those of us less obedient who might be so lucky enough to reach the inevitable through such reasonable, sophisticated compassion."
The handpicked audience cheered wildly as Kim raised his arms.
"It almost pains me to say this," he beamed, "but thanks be to Western medicine and jurisprudence!"
With apologies and a nod to Scrappleface. Insisting on a right to die may very well inspire another to suggest you have the privilege, too.